june 16, 2010

mike- "mommy why aren't you helping to bring the groceries in?" me- "I shopped for them, bought them, loaded them, and will put them away before I cook for you. sound even?" mike- "okay mom. I get it. back out I go" :)

august 4, 2010

from my sister: "Jeez, now the gays get to marry? What's next, legal alcohol consumption? Oh wait, that was a stupid law that got overturned too. WooHoo for the Gays and Booze!"

august 14, 2010

our internet is down for whatever reason so mike says to me "the internet is having a mental breakdown mom." I had to laugh!

sweet

my husband just told me that i "could write my name on his foot like andy did in toy story" because i'm an owner. :)

F.Y.L.

we were delayed at the airport returning home from a recent trip to which i announced to no one in general. "FML." mike says, "yeah mom FYL. Fuck.Your.Life." omg.

football practice monday afternoon

we're at football practice and my four year old daughter's friend asks, "what can you do in the snow?" she responds with, "in the snow you can build a snowman that has a PENIS." yes the caps are because she shouted it. now i'd like to think my daughter was innovative in her thinking but the reality is that we actually did this last year. i love this family.

dinner time tonight

mike- i'm not sure i want kids.

me- why?

mike- i just don't know if i want to.

me- then don't have unprotected sex.

later...

me- mike, why did you breathe all up in that kids face this morning when i dropped you off?

mike- because that's what boys do to say good morning. weird stuff.

my thought- that sums it right up. thanks for the explanation.

August 31, 2010

yesterday my son comes home from his second day of first grade loaded with new knowledge. he opened with "babies come from heaven...do parents just tell their kids that because they are afraid to talk to them about sex?" FANtastic! could i be more proud?

last night "pigeon funeral"

we went over to visit my father last night whom evidently has a pigeon problem up on top of his house. he said it was "like the alfred hitchcock birds" (meaning nothing to me) and as he has a tendency to, how should i say... embellish stories; i wasn't sure until i saw it just what he meant. he had about 20 birds up on top of his house. now my concern was certainly that these nasty beasts were flying over the pool we were supposed to swim in but either way it was just nasty.

my father shows my 7 year old son mike the traps he is going to use to catch the birds. the plan, as unfortunately explained to the seven year old, is to catch the birds, throw them in the pool to drown them (don't call peta) and then take them to the dump.

Mike decides that the pigeons need a funeral. before i know it, he is inside with a sharpie in hand writing "RIP" on it. this is what he then explained to me, "mom these are the tombstones for the birds. we will bury one in the garden. we'll all stand around, say nice things about the birds, hug, and then walk away." sounds legit to me. my father's plan is to save one for a "viking funeral" in the back yard.

shit my kids say

i wanted to start a blog for quite some time titled: "shit my kids say" but evidently the powers that be over at "shitmydadsays" have the lock down on the entire concept. as if only one person's family is funny. me, i'm a mom. i have two kids and two stepsons. today i walked out to check on my steaks for dinner to watch my four year old daughter standing up and peeing in the yard like a boy. when i startled her by asking, "are you peeing?" not only did i break up her flow but i decided that no one has my life and i don't want to look back when my mind is gone and have no record of the things that make my family the best. so here goes.